The Canine World has been left reeling by the news that Internet Porn has replaced the Dog as Man’s Best Friend. For a number of years it was considered that either “Alcohol” or “Zoning Out Whilst The Wife Is Talking” would be the one to finally oust Dogs from the position they have held for over ten thousand years – but in just a few short years Internet Porn has come from nowhere to take the crown.
Cracking one off whilst the wife is out shopping or visiting her mother is as old as the hills, whilst pornography itself has been around since man first doodled rutting figures in some neolithic cave. With the coming of the printing press cheap quality porn was at the fingertips of men with alarming speed but despite seven centuries of mass media it only ever peaked as high as nine – in hindsight.
Despite the longevity of our friendship to Dogs they have not been without some criticism from Men – from the mess and the regular need for “walks” to a high number of significant testicle-related accidents. It would seem that the days when a wagging tail could raise a smile after a long day’s work are over. The future is all about a furious wank whilst viewing a pair of Afro-Caribbean Midgets with 12-inch strapons gangbanging a Gilf, all dressed as your favourite Star Wars characters.
The canine response? Piss on the keyboard. Gnaw the mouse cord until the thing doesn’t work. And last but not least: keep him company while he masturbates. Fuck his leg.