Quite a few prominent governments – two, to be precise – are preparing to refresh their criminal justice systems to better reflect the times. They are not particularly enthusiastic about it, but some new punishments are being planned. Quickly – read this article to find out about them. Many of them are entertaining – only not to the ones who will have to suffer them if the statutes get passed.
Criminals! Those interesting persons who try to advance their own positions outside the law! Such a romantic notion – until we realize that they actually harm society while advancing their own situations. Also, we should not forget those who commit crimes of passion or that one guy who just irrationally pushed someone else’s head into the oven the other day.
Criminal justice. That inflexible, colossal tool that has been given to judges and lawyers to work with. Always the same, at least since the Renaissance. Until now. A fresh wind is blowing. Is it blowing your way? Yes, if you are a criminal.
Note: this article has three ingresses because they are all incredibly good and totally equal.
Sometimes it is really hard to know how to begin an article after a brilliant ingress or two (even three!), but we are trying our best. We could arrange this article in such a way that each chapter deals with a particular type of crime and the punishments that have been planned for the crime. That’s actually such a reasonable way of doing it that I think we will proceed in that direction. Boldly, without regret. And right away!
Pickpocketing. Not a very harmful crime: at the worst, some money, credit cards, hard drugs et cetera will change hands in the process. Therefore, the new punishment for pickpocketing will be this: the pockets of the pickpocket will be sewn shut. That way he will not know where to put his loot and will suffer anxiety and frustration as a result.
Mass murder. This is a very very notorious crime and also hateful and disgusting. The punishment? The mass murderer will be mass murdered himself! That will teach him.
Forgery. With increased laws covering copyrighting and trademarking, forgery and counterfeiting have been upgraded to a sub-serious criminal activity. Those found guilty of forgery will be forced to watch 78 hours of Mexican Soap Shows with Korean subtitles. Also, at the Judge’s discretion, there is the option for additional penance including three hours of listening to a Cheap Trick cover band.
Buggery. Like Forgery but more popular, Buggery was once quite frowned upon within the public face of the Judiciary and the established Religions, but has since been decriminalised. However, due to lobbying from the Condom Industry, following the revelation that many are using the practice as a method of contraception, new punishment for those discovered “in the act” involves a raw horseradish and a bottle of Tabasco Sauce.
Bogarting has previously not been seen as a criminal offense at all. In fact, the circumstances leading to possible bogarting have. I mean, been seen. Note: if this is leading anywhere, kindly let us know.
Theft auto. Contrary to what video game producers have led us to believe, theft auto is not cool at all. In fact, in some countries it is punishable by hard time, no parole. This is about to change. In the future those guilty of theft auto are just run over – the way it would be done in some video game. Gruesome but certainly more fun than some boring jail time.
Rape. You guessed right: a rapist will just be raped according to the new laws. Of course the ravager of the rapist will also be raped just to show how terrible rape is, and then it will just go on ad infinitum. The cheapest and most reasonable alternative is to get all the rapists in the same cell and let them rape each other until we get bored – or until something else happens. Note: I bet nothing will.
In conclusion, we are hoping that these new measures by those governments will catch the imagination of other governments all around the world. We are looking forward to seeing, for instance, burglars being put inside icebergs with rabid otters, or death penalties for forgetting your password three times. This may be asking too much, but there should always be room for optimism.