How many times have you – or anyone else – walked into a clothing store specialising in sports underwear? At least a hundred million times all told, I bet. In the early days of sports uderwear, getting out with a simple pair of socks was relatively easy. Today, it’s a different story. Prepare to be shocked and disgusted by what we found out.
Let us take a hypothetical sports underwear store – like, for instance, Running socks and stuff. On the surface nothing is wrong with the store: clerks run their errands, customers smoke fat cigars and drink their whisky sours in the lounges, prostitutes offer their services to the wealthiest perverts – everything is as it should be. Unless you are observant. Unless you want to know what really goes on. Unless you need a pair of socks or longjohns. Unless you are prepared to ask some difficult questions. Unless you are ready to face the truth.
Raise your hand for service and a clerk miraculously appears – really, right out of thin air. We all have experienced this. These sock peddlers can smell easy money at a seven-mile distance. And what socks they have for sale! Glimmering, smooth materials. Conductivity to make you sweat diamonds. Perfect fit. Otherworldly advances in the production processes. Lowest prices… and technical details.
When did you last buy a fresh pair of socks without a gene manipulated suction cup designed to balance your ankle perfectly against the jogging shoe? Or without a laserbeam toe support that keeps your toenails manicured while you play basketball? Or – and this is the hardest one – without the small print on the warranty sheet giving such detailed care instructions that you would need to renew your whole laundry system, ventilation system, and central heating system – not to mention updating your sportswear care education – just to get a new pair of socks when a badly sewn seam rips open? I bet it has been a while.
“They have us”, you think. That’s certainly true if you are ready to give up. “What are we going to do?” you ask. “I can’t make my own sports underwear!” you lament. “I’ll fucking kill myself!” you decide. Dear reader – if only it were that easy. The sad truth: suicide is illegal in most countries. The solution? We have one for you!
Do what most professional athletes do nowadays: turn criminal. If you commit crimes punishable by a gruesome death, you will never need to worry over your over-technical sports underwear again! The alternative? Buy a farm, raise some sheep, shear them… in short, establish your own sports underwear factory complete with a supply chain for raw materials. Or just kill yourself, not giving a shit for whether it’s legal or not.
The choice is yours.